Why not ask "Why?"

Tale of the Day:
Understanding “why”

Today I want to focus on a common word that we use a lot, but which can be very misleading and unhelpful. The word is “why.” When I was teaching in an NLP Practitioner Training last summer, a participant in the training—who was in the midst of a difficult divorce at the time—shared a lovely example illustrating how “why” can easily get us into trouble.

“My 5 1/2 year old daughter has been saying, ‘I feel lonely and I don’t feel loved.’ At first I was saying, ‘But why? Mommy loves you and Mommy does this and this etcetera… etcetera…’ And then I saw that ‘why’ wasn’t eliciting any response from her; it sort of shut her down. So I’m thinking, what can I do? So I said, OK, ‘How can I help you feel better? Or, ‘How can I help you feel more loved and not so alone?’ My daughter said, ‘I just want you to hold me, kiss me, and hug me.’ OK! So I did just that.”

Problem solved.

This is a lovely example of how simple some problems are, as long as we know the right questions to ask. So what are the principles at play? Why is “why” an unhelpful question to ask in this context, and how is “how” a helpful one?

The question “how” gathers specific information about the experience that underlies the daughter’s words. The question, “How can I help you feel more loved and not so alone?” invites the daughter to specify the vague process words “loved” and “lonely,” letting Mom know what specific actions equal “love” and “non-loneliness” to her daughter: holding, kissing, and hugging. Without this specific information, Mom could have continued doing “this and this etcetera…” and her daughter still wouldn’t have had the experience of holding, kissing, and hugging that demonstrates love. Mom could have attempted countless new things she thought would demonstrate more love to her daughter (quite possibly at great expense), and her daughter would still feel just as lonely and un-loved. In this case the question ‘how’ was all that was needed.

In contrast “why” is a very general question, inviting the person to come up with reasons or causes or purposes, which can be difficult to answer. Imagine you’re the daughter saying, “I don’t feel loved,” and your Mom responds by saying, “But why?” If I imagine myself as a five-and-a-half-year-old, I also shut down when confronted with this question. I don’t know why I don’t feel loved, I just know that I don’t feel it. Coming up with a “why” is much too open-ended and difficult to answer. But when my Mom asks me how she can help me feel loved, that is specific enough that ideas immediately spring to my mind—hug me, kiss me, and hold me! Even as an adult it can be challenging to answer the question “why.” “I don’t know why I feel this way,” or “I don’t know why I did that,” are phrases I’ve often heard from friends and clients, and certainly said myself. Philosophy and religion are devoted to answering various aspects of the question “why,” and predictably the answers vary widely! Whether five years old or fifty years old, “why” is a tough question to answer, and most of the time we’re better off not trying.

Explaining why problems are the way they are is not only difficult and time-consuming, it also keeps us focused on the problem state. This can have the effect of solidifying our problems in place, not only because it keeps our attention on “what’s wrong,” but also because now we have justifications and reasons for our problem’s existence. When Mom asked her daughter, “How can I help you feel more loved?” she did the opposite of this, elegantly guiding her daughter from the problem-state “I don’t feel loved” to a solution state in the future, “How can I help you to have what you want?”

In addition, ‘why’ can imply blame even if that was never the speaker’s intention. Though Mom was simply trying to understand her daughter, Mom’s question “Why don’t you feel loved when mommy does this and this and this…?” can feel like judgment or blame to the child, particularly if the mother’s voice tone is annoyed or exasperated. This can elicit guilt: “Gosh, why don’t I feel loved when she does all those things for me? Maybe there’s something wrong with me.” Or it might elicit defensiveness/anger, “Why are you expecting me to feel loved when I don’t!”

Let’s look at this using another example: Imagine your partner or friend or co-worker accidentally starts a fire in the microwave again because they forgot to remove their metal spoon, and you say, “Why did you forget your spoon in the microwave again?” Now step into the shoes of the other person and imagine being confronted with this question. Even if asked in a neutral voice tone, I’m likely to either respond defensively: “Nobody’s perfect!” or feel guilty: “I’m sorry, I screwed up again,” or even worse, “I’m such a screw-up!” This kind of response diverts my attention away from possible solutions and into feelings of defensiveness or failure, which are neither fun nor useful for problem-solving.

In summary:

“Why” is vague
It focuses us on the problem
It tends to elicit answers that hold the problem in place
It can be taken as blame or judgment

Finally, here’s one more way I’ve noticed “why” getting people into trouble. When we say, “Why did you do X?!” if it’s in an angry or frustrated tone of voice, usually we aren’t really interested in the answer to that question—we don’t want to hear a bunch of justifications. Instead there’s usually something we want to express. If a spouse is angry or frustrated and says, “Why did you get home so late!” they usually have something they want to communicate, such as, “You came home a lot later than planned, and this made things really difficult for me. I was planning on you taking over with the kids so I could get ready for my evening meeting.” With the microwave example, asking, “Why did you forget your spoon in the microwave again?” could really be translated into something like, “I’m concerned about our safety and want to make sure no fires get started in the building.” So when you find yourself about to use “why” you may want to ask yourself, “Is there something I want to say here? Am I expressing my needs and goals clearly?”

Learning how it happened that one’s spouse came home late, or one’s roommate left the spoon in the microwave, may be a useful part of the discussion. This is much more specific than asking “why” and it works the best in the context of understanding each person’s wants and needs. With this information we can then move away from the problem and toward future planning and solutions. In the case of the Mom and daughter example above, it worked to move straight to future solutions with the question, “How can I help you feel more loved?”

In this blog post I’ve focused on what can happen when we ask others “why.” In my next blog post I’ll show how these principles play out when we ask “why” of ourselves.

Click here to find out more about NLP: The Next Generation Practitioner Training, designed and taught by Mark Andreas, evolved from the original NLP practitioner training manuals created by Steve and Connirae Andreas.

Tool of the Day:

Paraphrasing Yoda, “Say or say not—there is no why.”

Any time you notice yourself about to ask someone “why” in the context of a problem or difficulty, stop and ask yourself: 1) “Do I want to know the answer to this question?” or 2) “Am I really wanting to communicate about my own needs or desires?”

1) If you DO want to know the answer to the question, then change “why” to “how” to get more specific information. “How did it happen that….” This is just a beginning—there’s much more to it than this, such as how to best shift from problem state in the past, to solution state in the future—but see how much you learn just from this one change.

2) If you realize that you have something to say about your own needs or desires, instead of asking “why” first ask, “Are you open to hearing about something that’s important to me?” Most people will say yes to this question, and thus be receptive to what you have to say next (even if they wouldn’t have been a moment ago). If someone says “no,” ask when would work for them.

You Don’t Deserve Love (and how knowing this will improve your life)

Tale of the Day: Deserving

Jan was sad over the loss of her long-time friendship with Hannah. Hannah was still pleasant to Jan, but after a period of being much less available, Jan asked Hannah what was up. Hannah explained that while she valued their friendship, she no longer had the time to spend with Jan in the deeply connected way they had been there for each other over the last twenty years.

This felt like a betrayal to Jan, almost as if Hannah had been manipulating her all along and now she was dropping Jan after two decades. In a pleading voicetone, Jan told me there was a part of her that really wanted to be loved, cared about, valued, enjoyed, liked, appreciated, adored, cherished... These verbs just kept on coming, so I could tell that this part of Jan felt an extreme lack of all these things, as well as a great need for them.

I began guiding Jan through the Core Transformation process and invited her to ask this part of her to step into what it would be like to have what it wanted: to be loved, cared about, valued, enjoyed, liked, appreciated, adored, cherished...

Jan started to relax, but then she said, "There's another part of me saying, 'You don't deserve this.' I feel it here in my left shoulder." She gestured with her hand.

When we do Core Transformation (CT), and an objection emerges like this, this shows us there are two parts involved, and we do the CT Process with both of them. Each has something of value to offer.

After completing CT with the first part, I turned to the second:

"Now notice this part of you that says, 'You don't deserve this.' Notice where you feel this part of you in your left shoulder. You can thank this part for being here, because you can trust it wants something positive in saying 'You don't deserve this.' Now ask this part of you, 'What do you want?'"

The CT process guides us in discovering deeper and deeper layers of what each part wants, until we get to something that can often be quite profound. In this case the part wanted “OKness.” In one sense OKness may seem at first to be quite ordinary, yet I could see Jan’s state shift to something much more at peace as this part began to get in touch with “OKness.”

The next step with CT is to turn things around and ask the part if it would like to go ahead and just step into having OKness as a beginning, in an ongoing way. Since the part liked this idea, we continued with the process by inviting the part to notice how already having OKness as a way of being naturally enriched or transformed each of the previous things the part had wanted.

When we finished the process Jan said, “It feels really great now, but there’s still this little voice threatening to say, 'You don’t deserve it.' [Note: I could have continued using CT with this “little voice” as a third part, but this time I took a different tack]

“Oh, well I agree," I said right away. "You don’t deserve it.”

Jan laughed, but when I didn’t say anything more she looked at me, realizing I was serious. She became more thoughtful.

“So thank this part of you for recognizing that you don’t deserve it," I suggested, "And you can ask this part, 'Now that you think about it, how does not deserving it actually not matter?'”

“Wow," she said, "That’s like a Zen Koan." Her face relaxed and I could see she was in a deep internal state of processing. “Wow,” she added, “I don’t think I’ll need to see you for several months after this, this is going to be with me for a while.”

I smiled. “It’s like, here we are,” I gestured to our seats. “Do we deserve it? No. Does that Matter? No.”

Jan shook her head in wonderment, “Just take it off the table.”

“I don’t deserve the life I’ve had,” I said, “but I still enjoy it.”

She said, “You know that’s interesting, because all the positive affirmations are about deserving, ‘You deserve love’ ‘You deserve enjoyment,’ ‘You deserve appreciation…’”

“Yep. It turns out you don’t deserve any of those things!”

“This is what your next book should be called.”

“What’s that?”

“Oh, well, something like, ‘You don’t deserve love.’” She grinned.

“Oooh, I like that. I’m going to write that down. If not a book, I’ll at least write a blog post.”

When I checked in with Jan six weeks later, she wrote me:

Mark, when you said to me, "Yeah. That's right. You don't deserve it." That was the "show stopper" for me. And you went on to say, "I feel I have a happy life, but I don't deserve it; I just have it. If I ‘deserved’ my happiness, that would mean someone else ‘deserved’ their unhappiness."

So, ‘deserving’ is irrelevant. It's not about deserving love or happiness. Happiness/love just is. (From earliest babyhood, of all the "good" things in the world, love is held up as the greatest reward. If you do what Mom/Dad want they will love you. Love is always paired with deserving it. So how radical to separate love from deserving it. Again, love just is.) That's it.

I also understood you to be asking me what may have followed in my life after this session. I have found it really useful to consider the question. And I wish I could give you specifics of how this "reframing" has impacted my life. I can't pinpoint it exactly because it was part of a mosaic of healing experiences over about 6 wks. which seemed to lead to a profound shift for me around my codependency--and in particular what I would call my codependency with Hannah. Literally all that pain and grief has been lifted!!!!! (And I recently spent a very enjoyable evening with her! I would still like more opportunities to connect with her--no change there--but somehow there is no pain about it!??!! Who'da thunk?!) I'm 180 degrees from where I have been… And I have been experiencing a lot of equanimity for some weeks now…And, I do know 100% that that whole session with you was profoundly impactful.

So, I'm in awe of the healing process. And I'm so grateful for your working with me, Mark.

Tool of the day: Negative affirmations

If you have one minute, you can do this right now. Choose three qualities you would like more of in your life, or three needs you have that you would like others to fulfill. For example, “Three qualities I want more of/needs I want fulfilled are joy, relaxation, connection with others.”

Then relax, close your eyes, and repeat to yourself in a voice that is compassionate, matter of fact, or perhaps with a hint of a knowing smile: “I don’t deserve joy...” “I don’t deserve relaxation…” “I don’t deserve connection with others…” As you say this, you can appreciate how important these three things are that you sometimes get to experience despite not deserving them. Try this out for yourself now before reading on.

Now that you have your own experience as a reference point, I want to share my experience with you. When I say to myself, “I deserve Joy,” or “I deserve connection” there is an implicit “should” in there. If I deserve it, I should be getting it. So if I’m not getting joy and I talk to myself in a way that presupposes that I should be getting it, this is a recipe for feeling unhappiness—I should be feeling joy, but I’m not. Also, if I'm already experiencing joy, it's just as pointless to say, "I deserve joy," which only serves to separate me from enjoying it.

In contrast, when I say to myself in a neutral or matter-of-fact or compassionate voice tone, “I don’t deserve joy.” I am able to experience all the joyful parts of my life with huge gratitude for this undeserved gift. And for all the non-joyful parts of my life, there is no mismatch between what “should” be and what is.

The trick to making negative affirmations work is ensuring the voice tone is truly neutral or positive. If you get a negative result from a negative affirmation, it’s likely due to the voice tone you were using. To help with this, after each negative affirmation, include a negative affirmation about the opposite of the quality you chose. For example:

"I don’t deserve joy…” “I don’t deserve non-joy.”
"I don’t deserve relaxation…” “I don’t deserve non-relaxation.”
"I don’t deserve connection with others…” “I don’t deserve not connecting with others.”

Another thing that can help negative affirmations work for you is to explore shifting which words have the emphasis. For example, try out the difference between, "I don't deserve joy," and "I don't deserve joy." For me the first emphasis is more common, and so it is how I would first read the sentence off a page. But the second emphasis creates a strong implication that I'm experiencing joy even if I don't deserve it. The beauty of implication is that it doesn't come right out and say that I am experiencing joy, so there is nothing in the implication that will mis-match my experience, even if I'm having the worst day in my life.

Try this out, and let me know what you find. Are there variations in emphasis or voice tone that work particularly well for you?

To book a private session with Mark over Skype or in person, visit www.markandreas.com

How a Petite Woman Diffused an Armed Man's Murderous Rage with just Words

Tale of the Day:

Last August I gave a 1-hour workshop at a conference in Las Vegas on the power of story as a tool for creative conflict resolution. What I didn't know at the time is that later that night one of my participants—probably the smallest woman in the group—was going to voluntarily resolve an intense conflict with a drunk armed man in the streets of Las Vegas.

I began the workshop as I usually do, by sharing from my book Sweet Fruit from the Bitter Tree, a collection of true stories of how people resolved intense conflict in creative and surprising ways most of us would never think of.

We discussed how story has always been a powerful vehicle for learning. After all, everyone loves a good story. It's no wonder that story is how peoples all around the world have passed on their most sacred and vital information from generation to generation for thousands of years. I shared several potent stories in order to awaken the sense of possibility that lives within all of us. The possibility of being more creative and compassionate—perhaps even more so than we ever thought possible—when dealing with the difficult situations we encounter in our lives.

Later in the conference, a petite woman from my workshop came up to me and told me how later that night she had successfully resolved an intense conflict with a drunk, armed man on the streets of Las Vegas. Kattie agreed to let me interview her for my next Sweet Fruit book, and I want to share a summary of her wonderful story with you here:

It was night when Kattie and her friend Laura left the Orleans casino after my workshop. They went to the street to catch a shuttle to take them down-town to the Las Vegas strip. Kattie noticed a man, clearly drunk, raging "I'm gonna kill him, I'm gonna kill him! Fuck everybody! Fuck Everybody! I'm gonna kill the whole world." Kattie was about to ignore him, as she usually would have, when she had a sense that this wasn't a usual drunk. Something told her this man was in deep pain, and though she'd never done something like this before, she felt propelled to walk up to him and introduce herself.

"I'm going to kill them all!" The man said, "I'm going to kill the whole world! Fuck the world!" Then he noticed Kattie, who smiled and held out her hand. He shook her hand weakly, a little confused. She said, "Hi, I'm Kattie I'm from Canada." In slurred speech he said he was from Canada too. Then Kattie asked, "You seem really sad, what is going on?"

"He killed her, he killed her!" he said, his eyes glazed over, nearly closed. "I'm going to kill him. I'm going to kill everybody. Fuck them all!" Kattie listened to him rant, doing her best to empathize. "I'm gonna kill them all," the man continued. "I'm a Vietnam vet, I'm a killer and I know how to kill, and I'm armed." He pointed to one foot where Kattie saw a knife handle sticking out of his sock.

Kattie felt her friend Laura's presence behind her, and knew that if something bad happened Laura could walk into the nearby casino and get a security guard for help. Since Kattie didn't experience any of this drunk man's anger being directed at her, she continued to listen and empathize.

"I'm gonna kill," the man said again, "She was my best friend, my best friend..." Over a period of listening to his ranting and broken drunken explanations, Kattie and Laura pieced together that the man's daughter had been killed in a car accident. She had been like a best friend to him, and he'd come to Las Vegas to collect her remains. He said he'd spent the last four days drinking, without any sleep.

"I'm gonna kill the man who did this to her. I'm gonna kill everyone!" he said.

Kattie said, "And when you speak about that pain, where do you feel that pain?"

"Where do I feel it?" he asked. "It's right here in my heart. It's here; it's here!" He pounded on his chest over his heart. "And this is going to kill me, because they took my heart and they..." He mimed pulling his heart out, throwing it on the ground, and stomping on it.

Kattie said, "To feel so much pain, you must have felt so much love. You know? And someone who feels so much love has to be a good person." When she said this his eyes opened up a little more and seemed to get a little bit clearer and more engaged with her, as opposed to paying more attention to his own dialogue. Kattie continued, "You know all that pain you're feeling right now? This means you are a good person, because only a good person could feel this deeply for someone, could feel this much love for someone."

The man looked at Kattie, wiping his runny nose. "I'm sorry," he said. "I'm sorry for how I look. I don't feel OK being in front of you like this."

"It's OK," Kattie said. "We don't mind."

"But they killed her!" He said, falling back into his anger and inner torment. "I will kill everyone else and fuck everyone else! I'm going to get my car and drive back to Canada and if I kill people on the way, then that's too bad! I'll kill anyone..." He paused, "But not you, little girl. I would never hurt you, little girl. But I have a gun on me right now, and I was in Vietnam, and I will use it!"

He had a baggy jacket on that could have easily concealed a gun, and Kattie could already see the knife with her own eyes. Kattie said, "You know you are a good person, because you can't feel that much pain if you don't have a big heart."

He wiped his nose again. "I'm sorry I'm like this in front of you. I'm not usually like this. It's just that my life doesn't matter anymore. I don't care if I die, I'm going to kill him. I'm going to kill them all."

And every time he would mention killing someone Kattie would say, "A man with a heart as big as yours is not a killer, because in order to have that much pain, you need to have that much love."

Eventually Kattie looked at her friend Laura with an expression as if to say, what should I say now?

Laura, who'd been standing back letting Kattie do the talking, whispered, "Tell him that he was very lucky to have these people in his life."

So Kattie looked at the man and said, "Think about how lucky you are, because you had your daughter in your life."

And from there everything started to flow. Everything the man threw at Kattie, she reframed it in a positive way. When Kattie learned that his daughter was a nurse, she said, "Oh. So your daughter was really caring for people, wasn't she?"

The man said, "Yes, my daughter was saving lives and then he came and killed her! "

Kattie said, "Your daughter was saving lives, so I wonder how she would react if she saw you like this, because your daughter really cared about other people's lives, didn't she?"

"Oh yes; she did," he agreed.

"Well, imagine she could see you right now, how do you think your daughter would feel?"

He said nothing, but he looked up for the first time. Kattie didn't know what he was seeing on the inside, but she could tell something had shifted for him.

Then Laura said, "You know your daughter is right there in your heart. And you know, just think of the good moments and the happy moments that you had with your daughter."

He thought a bit more, and Kattie added, "Those memories will always be with you. And each time that you will think about these beautiful memories with your daughter, you will see that you will feel better and better. Because your daughter really cared for life. And you loved each other, didn't you?" He nodded a lot. "And your daughter would want you to have a good life wouldn't she?"

His face started to relax and he stood more upright. At some point he burst into tears. Kattie and Laura said soothing things to him until the shuttle arrived, and they all got on. Kattie and Laura sat down and the man followed them and sat down in the seat in front of them, continuing to talk with them. He said he was going down-town to where his car was parked.

So Kattie and Laura continued to reframe anything he said in a positive way. At one point he got out his mobile phone and showed them a picture of his wife, and his daughter's wrecked car, and a picture of his daughter before she died, and he started crying again. And this time his crying sounded even more heartfelt to Kattie. When the shuttle arrived down town the man thanked Kattie and Laura, saying, "Thank you so much. You are sweet little girls. Thank you so much you sweet girls."

They all got off the shuttle at the same stop, and Laura asked the man, "Have you called your wife? Does she have any idea what's going on with you? You better call her and let her know that you're OK. And you better get some sleep, because you're tired after being here for four days just drinking and not sleeping. You better sleep first before going back to Canada."

He said, "I'm 70 years old, and my life without my daughter is nothing. I have no reason to live."

Laura said, "My father will be 80, and he's doing great, he still does lots of things."

The man said, "I'll be 70 on the 27th of October."

Laura said, "My dad will be 80 on the 7th of October."

Kattie added, "You should see my mother, she's 83, and she's doing a lot." After a pause Kattie asked, "So what are you going to do now?"

"I'm going to have a good night's sleep, and I'll think about that tomorrow," the man said.

"That sounds really good," Kattie said.

Kattie and Laura left the man with his head held high, and they could see that he had a new clarity in his tired eyes. They decided it was safe to leave him, and felt sure he wouldn't kill anyone, or do anything violent.

Thanks, Kattie and Laura, for sharing your story.

Want more true stories like this? Click here for your 3 Sample Stories from Sweet_Fruit_from_the_Bitter_Tree

Tool of the Day:
Stories as a vehicle for Creative Conflict Resolution

Read these 3 Sample Stories from Sweet_Fruit_from_the_Bitter_Tree. You can read them to yourself or out loud to friends or family. Just let the stories settle into your consciousness, and be curious how they will become resources for you as you discover your own unique creative solutions that are appropriate to you and your life circumstances. Even if your life conflicts look on the surface to be completely different from these three stories, sometimes it is the stories that appear to be the most different that have the most to offer us.

To contact Mark for training or to set up a one-on-one coaching session, visit www.markandreas.com

Coming to Wholeness

Tale of the Day:
Dissolving the everyday sense of the ego

“I’ve been at this hypnosis conference for 3 days now, going in and out of trances, and that simple thing you said just put me into the deepest trance yet.” ~ Participant at Mark’s workshop at the Hypnothoughts Live Conference, Aug. 2015.

This summer I was invited to give several presentations at the Hypnothoughts Live Conference in Las Vegas. The conference was attended by about 600 people—hypnotherapists, hypnotists, NLP practitioners and others interested in personal growth.

In my 2-hour presentation, I introduced (with permission from Connirae) the first of Connirae Andreas’ Wholeness Processes. As part of the presentation, I guided the group through the process, and demonstrated the process with a volunteer from the group. The group response to this process was really positive, but unfortunately the audio recording had major technical issues, and thus wasn’t made available for purchase after the presentation.

I asked for a copy of the recording and found that, though the sound quality was pretty poor, I was able to hear well enough to write up the following transcript of the demonstration I did with the volunteer from my group. She had a very deep response to this process, so I wanted to share with you what happened. Keep in mind that before this demonstration, I had already been presenting for an hour and a half giving a foundational understanding of these processes and also guiding the group through two explorations of the first wholeness process. If I were working with someone in a client context, I would also be laying some important groundwork both before and while guiding them through the process (though it would take much less time with a single individual than with a group in a training context).

If you have little familiarity with the wholeness processes, you may want to watch Connirae's free video introduction to the first wholeness process before reading the transcript below. I hope you find the following example interesting and useful.

Transcript of demonstration by Mark Andreas at the Hypnothoughts Live Conference, 2015:

[Several people raise their hands to volunteer for Mark’s demonstration of the first of the wholeness processes. Mark chooses one of them, and she comes and sits with Mark at the front of the room.]

Mark: [Talking to group] I want to demonstrate how we can use this process for a personal growth kind of thing, like “Oh, I got angry there and I’d really like to have a different reaction. [Turning to volunteer, Sharon]. So, Sharon, I invite you to think of some mild situation like that, where you’d like to feel a little different response. It might be some relationship where you felt…”

Sharon: “OK”

Mark: “OK you’ve got one. And we don’t need to know what it is, so you can just go ahead and step back into the experience for a moment, and maybe say a word or two about it, for example is it frustration or…”

Sharon: “Frustration.”

Mark: “OK frustration, great. And notice your experience of the frustration, where do you feel it?”

Sharon: [Gesturing to the center of her chest.]

Mark: “OK, right here. [Mark gestures to the same place on himself]. So now we just notice the sensation quality of the frustration.”

Sharon: “It goes from here to here.” [Gesturing from her chest upward toward her neck.]

Mark: “And does it have a color to it, or a texture?”

Sharon: “Variations of color.”

Mark: “And is it the same density throughout?”

Sharon: “Yes.”

Mark: “And now it’s a true statement to say, ‘I am aware of this sensation.’ So where is the ‘I’?”

Sharon: “Right behind my eyes, literally behind my eyes.”

Mark: “OK great, and so now you can notice the sensation quality of the ‘I’ right behind your eyes. So you can begin by noticing the shape; what shape is it?”

Sharon: “It’s a rectangle. Like brick shaped.”

Mark: “Ok, so it’s a rectangle, brick shaped. And is there a color to it?”

Sharon: “Black.”

Mark: “And notice if there’s any difference in density, or…”

Sharon: “Same density.”

Mark: “OK, same density. And now we’re going to do something a little different. So noticing the sensation quality of the sensation of the ‘I’ behind your eyes—black, brick-shaped, same density. It’s also a true statement to say, ‘I am aware of this sensation that is right behind my eyes, black, etc.’ And notice, ‘Where is the I that is aware of this one?’ ”

Sharon: [Gestures about one foot in front and above her head.]

Mark: “OK so it’s up front. And notice the size, shape, etc.”

Sharon: “It’s grey, like a little cloud.”

Mark: “Great, now go ahead and just notice. Before we do anything, I want to once again invite you to connect in with your experience of awareness, that is just naturally throughout your body and around you. [We had already explored our subjective experience of ‘awareness’ as a whole group, otherwise I would have guided her into her own direct experience of what I mean when I say ‘awareness.’ In this case I knew she already had her experience of awareness from earlier, so all I needed to do was invite her back into the experience]. Just the effortless awareness that is. And there’s no clear edge to it. There’s no place we can identify where, here, you can hear a sound, but on the other side of that you couldn’t. And when you’re ready, you can just notice what happens when the sensation quality, up here sort of like a little cloud, [Mark gestures so the group can see he’s referring to the second ‘I’] is welcomed to open, dissolve, relax, in and as the fullness of awareness, throughout and around, and you can just notice whatever you notice.”

Sharon: [Lots of emotion visible on her face, tears in her eyes, then gradually she shifts to relaxed facial muscles and slower, deeper breathing.

Mark: “Yeah… and I’m going to just speak to the group for a bit, and you can continue to just notice whatever you notice. [To the group] So here is where it’s really nice to, here’s where you want to just allow whatever happens to happen, and not move on too quickly. This is where the healing happens. [Turning back to Sharon] “Yeah…. [Mark’s phone rings in his pocket] And I’m aware of my phone… Well, I’m glad the only class I interrupted was my own. [Laughter] So whenever you’re ready, Sharon, you can open your eyes, and you can also invite that this can continue to happen in its own way even as we continue on. It can do what it does. So are you open to having any questions from the group?”

Sharon: [Nods]

Mark: “And feel free to not answer. [Talking to group] Please, no questions about the content of her issue. But if you have any questions about Sharon’s experience in the process…”

Participant: “How many I’s were there?"

Mark: "There were two."

Participant: "And how did you know?”

Sharon: “The one right here, [gesturing to the second ‘I’ that was above and in front of her head] as soon as you [referring to Mark] suggested it, that opening really happened. It just, phooooooo, [fingers gesturing like rain droplets falling in front of her]. It dissolved, almost like rain, actually like mist that just came down. And then this one started changing behind my eyes [gesturing to location of the first ‘I’].

Participant: "The one that was like a brick behind your eyes?"

Sharon: "Yeah."

Mark: “And how is it now?”

Sharon: “Um… it’s just... I mean it’s still back here [gesturing behind her eyes], but it’s soft, it’s just soft.”

Mark: “OK, so now the next little bit. You thought we were done. [Group laughter] Go ahead and close your eyes, and notice that little bit remaining that’s just sort of soft now. And now, just notice what happens when the sensation quality of this little bit remaining, is invited to open and dissolve, relax, in and as the fullness of awareness, throughout and around.”

Sharon: [Head drops several inches forward. Facial muscles become very relaxed and breathing slows and deepens].

Mark: [after a bit of time] “Yeah… Can you share a little bit about your experience?”

Sharon: [Laughing as she opens her eyes] “That was amazing. I felt like I dropped down into a, just dropped down into something really deep, instantly. And everything… I just sort of felt this red, kind of like little electric lights just went off for a little while right back here [gestures on either side of her eyes with her fingers moving like electricity arcing in from each side]. It was like purple with all these little, like blood vessels, going 'vvvvvvvvvv' all pulsing. And then, I was just like, Ahhh, OK, that feels a bit… [visible relaxation in her face]. I don’t know how to describe it.”

Mark: “And one other thing to check in on, that I would invite for you, is to go ahead and close your eyes now, and just notice, is there anything at all remaining of the initial sensation that was frustration?”

Sharon: “No.”

Mark: [Speaking to group] “And that’s not always how it is, but often when you do this, the initial sensation is actually just no longer there, once the ‘I’ is integrated.”

Sharon: “When the ‘I’ dissolved, and when this was dissolving [gesturing behind her eyes to where the initial ‘I’ was], my awareness went into the other person [referring to the other person in the memory of frustration that she’d started with]. I was suddenly, like, aware of her… her experience.”

Mark: “Oh, OK, interesting. So your awareness of her expanded as well.”

Sharon: “Yeah, so I went out of me being in my situation with my frustration and going to suddenly being in her experience.”

Mark: “Oh, OK. So it included not only your experience, but her experience as well.”

Participant: “In a positive way?”

Sharon: “Yeah, it let me recognize her. Like, ‘Wait a minute, what’s her experience in all this?’ Then it wasn’t about ‘I.’ ”

Mark: “Uh huh, interesting... Yeah, thank you.”

Participant 2: “I... for a minute I think I tranced out, and I just missed the question that you asked her, so, I got the first part, and I saw what happened to her. What was the second piece of the process that you did?”

Mark: “After the initial question from the group, and then when we came back?”

Participant 2: “Yeah.”

Mark: “It was just noticing… So I’ll just say a little bit about finding… like sometimes there are layers of I’s.”

Participant 2: “Right.”

Mark: “And often an indication that there’s going to be another one, is if the initial one is kind of dense. Dense or dark or small. And so then it can be useful to go for another layer of ‘I’. And you might go for several more layers. In this case it was pretty light, fluffy, so OK great, that’s generally a sign that this one’s ready to integrate. And going back to the hand metaphor, it’s sort of like, sometimes this is what’s going on. [Makes a fist with his right hand, and surrounds it with his left hand]. It’s not like this, [removes left hand from fist] but it’s more like this [surrounds fist with left hand again]. So if we try to, if we just go the one layer of I, it may be totally relaxed, but it’s not going to integrate if there’s this going on [gesturing with hand surrounding fist] is one way of thinking about it. And once we’re here [again motioning with hand making outer layer] then it’s easy, and then often once this one integrates, [removing hand that was surrounding fist] this one may already integrate on it’s own [opening hand that was making fist]. Or there may be a—as in this case—a softer sense of it. And to answer your question, if there’s anything remaining of the sensation of the previous ‘I’, then just noticing, OK what happens when the sensation of this is welcomed to open, relax, dissolve, in and as awareness.”

Participant 2: “So you dissolved the outer layer first, then when she was ready, you invited her to dissolve the inner layer?”

Mark: “Yeah, just kind of going back down and checking, where is it now, and whatever is remaining, the invitation. And if there was something remaining of the initial frustration sensation, going in and inviting that to also integrate… And even if there’s nothing you can even—just to cover all bases—you can say something like, ‘Even if there’s some element that you’re not aware of, remaining, that can also be welcomed to open, dissolve, relax, integrate, now.”

Participant 3: “I just had a comment. I’m an analytical person, I’ve been doing hypnosis for 20 years, I started doing hypnosis full time this past year, and I’m struggling slightly with myself, there seems to be a lot of noise because, I always look at hypnosis scientifically, even energy work. I look at it from a physics perspective, and this is the first time that I’ve personally had an experience with something that I don’t have an explanation for. So I find that interesting sitting here with all this noise saying… One, this is very strange to me. And number two, for me to even say anything about this is pretty unusual for me, being an inner-type person. But number three, really having no explanation, not being able… that’s very powerful, I find that extremely useful and interesting.”

Mark: “Great well thanks for sharing your experience…”

Participant 3: “Yeah absolutely,”

Mark: “And I look forward to…”

Participant 3: “It even sounded a little strange to me. To be honest with you, like, when I’m saying this, I’m like, ‘Wow, this is sounding kind of strange right now.’ ”

Mark: “Oh, I feel the same way. [Group laughter] So I’m glad you’re able… you’re just willing to notice your experience, and let me know what happens when you play with it more.”

Participant 3: “Yeah I will, absolutely.”

Another participant: "Yeah I'm an engineer, so I understand. We have to understand everything, so if there's an anomaly, we have to go back and do it again to figure out what's going on."

Participant 3: "It's hard to quantify. It's very strange."

Mark: "Yeah, yeah. Great, thanks for sharing."

Sharon: “Well, can I just comment on that. That just seemed so simple, and honestly. I dropped so deep in that last minute… I mean that’s why I kind of laughed when I came out of it like, [laughing] so simple and phooof. Wow!”

Mark: “Thanks for sharing that. Yeah, that’s been my experience and I think a lot of people’s experience, too, is um, it’s like, it’s… it’s easy.”

Sharon: “Yeah, it’s like it really short circuits. There’s this “you” that’s trying to figure things out, and then suddenly it’s like dzzzt!”

Participant 3: “Exactly, that’s how it was for me too. Because I’m not a good subject when it comes to hypnosis, when it comes to trance and that sort of thing, and I’ve had several classes where people were teaching and were like, ‘Wow, you’ve got a lot of resistance.’ So something about the words of ‘allowing’ and ‘awareness’ just, for whatever reason, like it really worked.

Mark: “Mmmm, nice… nice.”

Participant 4: “If we want to find out more about this process, is there a book?”

Mark: “There’s not a book yet, but you can find out all about online and in-person training with Connirae Andreas at WholenessProcess.org. And you can set up in-person sessions with me at www.markandreas.com. Well thank you all for coming, I really enjoyed it.”

[Clapping]

Participant 5: “I also have to say, this is one of the only classes where I’ve actually been hypnotized, you know? By one of the trainers.”

Mark: “Oh, yeah, great. Well I’m glad. Thanks.”

Sharon: “It was really great. It usually takes me a while to get into a state like that, and I just dropped right in.”

Tool of the Day:
Introduction to the first wholeness process

Most people find they need to be guided through this process several times before being able to guide themselves. This is because much of this way of working is reliant upon subtle language phrasing that makes a very big difference in people’s experience, but is often hard to pick up on at first. For this reason I suggest you start by watching Connirae's free introductory video of the first wholeness process. If you want more after that, check out the links below:

To learn and experience most of the wholeness processes, you can attend the live training in Boulder CO this November with Connirae Andreas, where I'll be present as a coach. You can also find out about Connirae's other wholeness trainings around the world or get Connirae's online training. You can sign up for a session with Mark at www.markandreas.com or call 303-810-9611 for a free 15-minute consult.

Names other than my own have been changed to protect individual privacy.

Clarity through Curiosity

Tale of the Day:
Sometimes all that’s needed is the right kind of listening

Last month I taught the Meta Model in the Real World NLP Practitioner Training in Winter Park, CO. For those of you unfamiliar with the Meta Model, in a nutshell the Meta Model is all about being curious and gathering detailed information about someone else’s experience, rather than simply filling in the gaps ourselves and assuming we know what the other person is talking about. For example, When someone tells you “I just went on vacation,” you get a certain image in your mind. Then when they say, “It was great, I just wish I’d brought another down parka,” you may be wondering what the heck they’re talking about. Likely as not you didn’t start off by picturing a vacation place cold enough to require even a single down parka, much less two, but it turns out their vacation was climbing Mount Everest. Information gathering is key before beginning any personal change process so that we make sure we don’t try to “fix” something that wasn’t ever broken.

For example, I had a client come and see me and the first thing he said was, “I want to get my acupuncture business going, but I can’t get motivated to start it.” At this point I could have asked no more and simply jumped right in using one of a number of NLP change processes to give him the motivation he lacked. Instead, I started by being curious about this other person’s unique experience, and I asked questions to gather more information about him rather than assuming I already understood.

“What stops you from being motivated?” I asked.

He told me he already had another full-time business that he ran, and a family with three kids with whom he wanted to spend more time. He also had travel goals he wanted to accomplish, a daily health and fitness plan that was important to him… The more I listened, the more I realized this was not an unmotivated person. If I hadn’t asked these questions, I might have pictured him sitting around on the couch all day watching TV, but in fact he was doing all sorts of things that were important to him. He simply didn’t have the time to do everything he wanted to do. This wasn’t about motivation, it was about prioritization.

“It sounds like you have a lot you’re already doing,” I said, “And stepping into your shoes, I’m starting to feel pretty unmotivated myself. If I were living your life I don’t think I’d want to add a whole new business into the mix, unless I let go of something else. But as I listen to you, it sounds like everything else you’re doing in your life is really important to you. So I’m wondering, what would happen if you simply decided to wait 6 months to even think about starting that acupuncture business? What would happen if you wrote a note in your calendar six months out that says, “Check in about acupuncture business.” Then you could forget about it for six months, knowing that 6 months from now you’ll see that note and be able to decide then whether it’s the right time to start it, or whether it still makes sense to postpone it another 6 months.”

“Oh, man,” he said, “I feel relieved already!” We were talking on the phone, and I could hear the relief in his voice. “I’ve had this anxious knot in my chest for the last couple months,” he added. “When you offered that suggestion the knot just relaxed and melted away. I feel great! You’re right. Everything else in my life is more important to me right now, and as much as I’d love to start that new acupuncture business, now’s just not the right time. Thank you so much!”

That was all we did. If I had rushed on to an NLP change process to give him motivation, it would have either failed due to not being a good match for his actual problem, or worse it might have succeeded, adding much more conflict and stress into his life by taking time away from his wife and kids as well as his other business and his personal goals.

Tool of the Day:
Helping others gain clarity by listening with curiosity

The next time you encounter a friend who has a problem, pause before trying to challenge it (“That’s not true, people love you”) or fix it (“Well, what I do is this…”). First, see what happens when you simply listen with curiosity and empathy while asking clarifying, information-gathering questions such as:

“What happened…?” “When exactly…?” “Where…?” “Who specifically was there…?” “How did it happen…?” “How did he make you angry…?” “How do you know productivity is down…?” “Who is producing what and how are they doing it…?” “What stops you from already getting what you want…?” “What would happen if you did do it…?” “According to whom…? Who said it was impossible to heal…?” “Always…? Are there any times when it’s different…?”

Most people like sharing their experience, and will feel good when you ask more details about it rather than assuming you already know what they’re talking about. Let’s say a friend says, “All men are total jerks!” Instead of challenging the statement or offering a solution, see what happens when you ask clarifying, information-gathering questions like, “What men are jerks…? Was someone a jerk to you today…? Who…? How was he a jerk…?” When I ask these questions to get a clear picture of someone else’s experience, not only does it show them I’m interested in what they have to say, but it starts to clarify the picture for them also. They have to see a clearer picture in order to answer the questions. So just listening, and asking the right questions, is in itself a powerful intervention. The other person will begin to make more distinctions, such as who specifically was a jerk to them, and how. This clearer picture is something they can begin to do something about, whereas, “All men are jerks,” is a problem that no one can solve.

I hope you play with this and let me know what you discover.

A bit more about asking clarifying, information-gathering questions:

The right kind of information gathering ensures that we don’t work toward solving something that isn’t actually a problem, or give someone a “solution” they think they want, but which may actually make their life worse. While gathering this information, it’s important to do it from a place of connection and curiosity about the other person’s experience. This may seem obvious, but it wasn’t always taught this way.

Historically, the NLP Meta Model information-gathering questions have been taught as questions that can be used to “challenge” what the speaker is saying, and thus get the speaker to acknowledge a clearer and more detailed picture of reality. But “challenging” someone often doesn’t go over very well. No one likes to be cross examined. (Many people know what this is like from when their parents did it to them as kids.) If we use these clarifying questions with an agenda, or with a challenging or judgmental tone of voice, they will tend to backfire. The other person will tend to get defensive, concluding something like: “This person is being pretty insensitive, why should I listen to them?” or, “Yep, all men are jerks, and you are too!”

Luckily there is nothing inherently challenging or judgmental about any of the information-gathering questions. It’s all a matter of how you ask them. They can be experienced as an Inquisition, but they can also be experienced as the deepest form of empathy and care and connection. It all depends on the voice tone, body language and intent of the person asking the questions. Just remember a time when you had intense curiosity about an incredible story someone told you. A time when you just couldn’t stop asking questions about this story because you had to know all the details. Without knowing it, you were naturally using many of the Meta Model information-gathering questions. My guess is you were using these questions not in a challenging way, but with deep curiosity and connection with the storyteller.

When asked from a place of curiosity and connection, these information-gathering questions can be one of the best ways you can gain rapport with someone else. Sometimes the other person will even solve their problem on their own, due to the clarity they gained by responding to your curiosity.

Core Transformation

Tale of the Day:
Core Transformation

I met over Skype (this was before Zoom) with a young woman living in Italy. Danielle told me, “I want to become more confident with myself and be more courageous in following my goals, and I want to get free from this blocking sensation that is preventing me from signing up for a study abroad program I want to go on.” I asked her how she would know when she had what she wanted. The first thing she said was, “I’ll sign up for the program tomorrow.” Then Danielle also added that she’d “feel it,” when things had changed.

In this first and only session, I guided Danielle through the Core Transformation process. I invited her to step back into a specific memory of when the blocking sensation occurred. Then I said, “You can relive this experience now, seeing through your eyes, hearing through your ears, and feeling the feelings you felt at the time. Since you didn’t consciously decide to have this blocking sensation, it’s as if some unconscious part of you generated it. You can begin to sense this part of you in your body or around you. Where do you sense this part?”

“In my hands and legs,” she said, opening and closing her hands.

“Great, now thank this part for being here, because you can trust that it wants something positive, even if you have no idea what it wants. Ask this part, ‘What do you want?’ Then relax and turn inward, and notice what response comes back from this part. The response may come in an image, feeling, sounds or words.”

“To be safe,” she said.

“Great, now thank this part for this response and invite it to step or breathe into what it’s like to already be safe, fully and completely.” She took a breath in, visibly relaxing. I continued: “And now ask this part, when you are safe, fully and completely, what is it you want through being safe that’s even deeper or more important?”

“Not to feel pain or get injured,” she said.

“Great, thank the part for this response, and invite it to step into what it’s like to already not feel pain or get injured, just the way it wants. Now ask the part, ‘When you already don’t feel pain or get injured, what is it you want through having this that’s even deeper or more important?”

“To run and Jump.”

“Great, thank it for this response.” I guided her to continue thanking this part for its responses, inviting it to step into having what it wanted, and asking it, ‘When you have this, what is it you want through having this that’s even deeper or more important or more core?’ Here are the rest of the answers Danielle received back from the part:

Feeling free
Going wherever I want
Independence
My life
Being able to feel it deeply (shivers)
Transmit it
Necessarily cool

When Danielle’s part had the experience of necessarily cool fully and completely, and I invited her to ask the part what it wanted through having this that was even deeper or more core, Danielle said, “that’s the deepest.”

This interested me, because usually the deepest level is described as Peace, Oneness, Being, Okayness, Love, etc. We refer to these as Core States. What they all have in common is that they are states of being that can be experienced regardless of what happens or doesn’t happen. Necessarily cool didn’t sound to me like a Core State, but because English was Danielle’s second language, I suspected that this could in fact be a Core State that she was describing in English in the best way she knew how. Her experience was what mattered, not the words she used to describe it. So I asked her, “Is necessarily cool a state of being that just is? Is it a state of being that can be experienced regardless of what happens or doesn’t happen?”

“Yes,” she said. Her face was relaxed and her voice tone congruent, so in fact this was the Core State.

“Great. Invite this part of you to just enjoy having necessarily cool fully and completely as a way of being. Often our parts think that we need to first do certain things, or get certain things before we can experience a Core State such as necessarily cool. But the good news is that these Core States are states of being, not states of doing, and the best way to experience a state of being is just to step into it and have it, as this part is already experiencing now. So ask this part, ‘When you have necessarily cool fully and completely as a way of being, how does this make things different?’ ”

“Things are easy!” She said with a smile. “Life is like a natural flow.”

I continued guiding her through the next part of the Core Transformation process, inviting the part to discover how having necessarily cool as a way of being, transformed or enriched each of the other things the part had wanted. We went back up the list in reverse order until we got to: “And ask the part, ‘How does having necessarily cool as an ongoing way of being, enrich and support you being even safer than you were before?”

It did.

I guided her through the additional Core Transformation processes of Growing up the Part, Timeline Generalization, and Parental Timeline Reimprinting (all of which you can learn in the live-online Core Transformation Foundation Training.

A week later, on March 3^rd Danielle wrote:

“Hey Mark, I’m good, you? It has been good! I booked for this summer and for another experience in the forest :): Really happy … I told my mom the session was really useful and I feel it’s working a lot and I’m so satisfied and positive!”

On March 23^rd Danielle added:

“Hello, how are you? 🙂 I wanted to tell you that I really feel the changing. Thank you very much. Probably I’m gonna ask you for another session in a month to work on a new goal.”

[All names and identifying information have been changed to protect the privacy of my clients]

Tool of the Day:
Core Transformation Exercise:

As you’re going through the day and you notice a feeling, behavior, or thought that isn’t working well for you, realize that since you didn’t consciously decide to generate this feeling, behavior, or thought, it’s as if some unconscious (meaning automatic) part of you generated it.
Where, in your body or around you, do you sense this unconscious/automatic part of you? If you’re not sure just guess, or ask, “If there were a part of me generating this feeling, behavior, or thought, where would that part of me be?”
If you want you can place a hand over the area where you experience the part. Thank this part for being here, because even though you don’t know what it’s positive purpose is, you can trust that it has some positive purpose for being here. (This is one of the basic presuppositions in NLP, and this alone can be profound for someone who has been thinking they needed to “get rid” of parts of themselves). You can stop here if you only have a few minutes, or go to step 4 if you have more time.
Ask this part of you, “What do you want?” then relax and turn inward, and notice what response you get back (this response may be in an image, feeling, sound, or words). Thank the part for its response, and invite it to step into experiencing what it’s like to already have what it wants fully and completely. Ask, “When you have this, what do you want through having this that’s even deeper or more core?” Again relax and turn inward and notice the first response that comes back from the part. Repeat this as long as you want, or until the part can go no deeper. Invite the part to notice how already having this deep-level experience enriches, transforms and radiates through each of its previous answers, and the initial experience you started with.

Click here to learn about the live-online Core Transformation Foundation training.

Musical Performance Anxiety

Tale of the Day:

Eliminating Performance Anxiety

“I finished the audition and only when I walked out did I realize: I had no teeth chattering, no sweating, no shaking at all! It was just so crazy. I didn’t expect it at all!”

Let’s rewind back to when I first met Maya. She was a bright high school student who played trombone in a highly-competitive orchestra. She was a great musician, and told me, “The number one thing I care about is music.” Whenever she had to audition or play solo during orchestra practice, she got intense performance anxiety. She started sweating, shaking, and her teeth would chatter—not at all helpful when playing a brass instrument!

She was about to graduate and apply to music schools, where the pressure to perform and audition well would matter a lot. Understandably she wanted this solved.

Since she lived in another state, I met with Maya over Skype. During our first meeting I showed her the spinning feelings process. This got a great result for her. “This is like sorcery!” she said. But at our next meeting she told me, “When I had to solo twelve bars in orchestra practice, I couldn’t calm down quick enough. I can’t meditate for an hour before that type of situation; I need a quicker way.”

Though the spinning feelings process can be done quite quickly, in just a few minutes, I understood how it might be tough for her to focus while surrounded by people in the middle of a class. I asked her when the anxiety first started in the day. She said, “It’s here when I first wake up,” and she gestured to her sternum.

I decided to do some parts work with her. I told her the story from World War II about how Japanese soldiers were left on many different islands in the Pacific and told to defend the country no matter what. Isolated and cut off from their command, many of these soldiers continued to defend these islands long after the war was over. Now and then one would be found when he shot at a passing fishing boat. The last soldier was found some 18 years after the war had ended. All that time he had managed to survive, alone and isolated, while continuing to loyally fight to defend the safety of his country. The Japanese government could have laughed at him when they found him for continuing to fight when the war was over, but instead they thanked him for his loyal service, brought him home, held a ceremony in his honor. Only then did they begin to gently tell the soldier that the war was over, and he could now serve the country in other ways.

I told Maya, “We all have parts of ourselves that are like these Japanese soldiers, still fighting loyally on to protect us from a war that is long since over. And so we have an opportunity to thank them for their service and invite them back home.”

Maya gestured to her sternum again, where the anxiety had been, “Now it’s like there’s a plane there,” she said. “And it’s like there are tiny little Thors [Norse God of Thunder] getting off the plane. They started out one color, and as they got of the plane they turned to different colors: green, yellow, orange, red. It’s like all these tiny little Thors have new jobs.”

Well I hadn’t even started the parts work I had planned, and all this was already happening spontaneously. This is a testament to the power of telling stories. I could have simply communicated the conclusion of the story: “In NLP we have a presupposition that all parts of us create behaviors for some positive purpose, even if the behavior (anxiety) is causing us major problems.” If I had done this, it would have taken less time, but it would have only spoken to her conscious mind. Telling the story gave her an experience of the truth of the statement.

“There is clearly some nice shifting going on, and so you can already appreciate that, and be curious how the new jobs of these tiny Thors will benefit you,” I said. It would have been interesting just to leave it at this, and see what happened just from telling her the story. I gave her the option: “We could leave it at this for now, with the tiny Thors with their new jobs, that may be all that’s needed for this session. Or if you want to do more, we can explore something in addition to what’s already happened.”

“Let’s explore,” she said.

“Up until now [presupposition that it can be different in the future] you’ve had a part of you that has generated anxiety, and you’ve had another part of you that doesn’t want to be anxious, haven’t you.”

“Yep.”

“So you can notice, in your body or around you, the part of you that up until now has generated anxiety, and you can invite it out into one of your hands. This part of you will know which is the hand that it wants to be in.”

Maya nodded, “It’s like Thor, coming into my right hand.”

“Great. Thank this Thor part for coming into your right hand. From what you said before, this part may have already found lots of great new jobs to do. Or maybe those were other Thor parts that found new jobs, and this one still wants new and better ways of getting what it wants for you. Either way is fine and you don’t even need to know consciously which it is. Just thank this Thor part for being here.”

She closed her eyes and nodded.

I said, “Now you can also notice the part of you that doesn’t want to be anxious, and you can invite this part of you to come into your other hand. ”

She said, “It’s like Loki [Norse trickster god].”

“Great, now we are going to find out what each of these parts really wants for you. Turn to your right hand and thank Thor for being there, and ask him, ‘What do you want?’ Then relax and notice what he responds with.

She nodded and closed her eyes, then said, “Thor wants me to do the right thing, all the time.”

“Great. Thank him for this response, and invite him to step into what it’s like to already have you doing the right thing, all the time.”

“Ok,”

“Now ask Thor, ‘When I’m doing the right thing all the time, what does this get for me that’s even more important?’ ”

“Peace of mind,” she answered.

“Thank this Thor part of you for this response, and now ask him, ‘When I have peace of mind, what does that get me that’s even more important?’ ”

“Then I have a clear view of what needs to happen.”

“Great, so what this part really wants for you, is for you to have a clear view of what needs to happen. Is this something you also agree is worth having?”

“Yes, totally.”

“Great. Now turn to the Loki part in your left hand, and ask Loki, ‘What do you want?’ ”

Maya turned to her left hand and closed her eyes. When she opened her eyes again, she said, “Loki wants me to just speak my mind, and other people can just suck it!”

“Great!” I said, “Now thank Loki for this response, and ask Loki, ‘When I speak my mind, and other people can just suck it, what does this get for me that’s even more important?’ ”

“It earns me confidence.”

“Ok, great. Thank Loki for this response. So what Loki really wants for you, is to earn you confidence. Is confidence something that you also agree is worth having?”

“Of course!”

“Great, now invite Thor and Loki each to have a look over at the other one. Up until now, they have both been struggling with each other, but now we know that what Loki really wants for you is confidence, and what Thor really wants for you is a clear view of what needs to happen. Ask Thor if confidence will also help him with what he wants: having a clear view of what needs to happen.”

“Yeah, it does.”

“Great. Now ask Loki if having a clear view of what needs to happen is in support of the confidence that Loki wants.”

“Absolutely!”

“So by working together, Loki and Thor can each get what they want for you much more easily. Go ahead and allow your hands to come together only as fast as Loki and Thor learn how to work together to support each other in getting what both want for you.”

“Yeah…” She kept her eyes closed for a while, clearly processing. When she opened her eyes she said, “Thor and Loki turned into Sherlock and Watson! It’s like they’re working together now, untying knots. Like solving the puzzles.”

“Wow, wonderful! Now go ahead and bring Sherlock and Watson into your body, so that they can integrate and become a natural part of you, working together in this new way.”

She did so.

Then I said, “Now, mentally step into a past situation where you used to have performance anxiety, and notice how it goes now, with this new way of being?”

“Now it’s just no big deal,” she said.

I then asked her to step into a future example, and she also said of that: “It’s no big deal.”

“Now,” I said, “It’s likely that some echoes of the old anxiety will happen in the future, but that they will become less frequent and less intense. If something comes back more intense, it’s just a sign that you have another part that also wants something positive for you, and also wants to be included.”

Before ending the session, Maya agreed she would continue to do the spinning feelings process at night when she went to bed, to help her relax for sleep (which she often struggled with, staying up really late).

The third time we met, Maya said the spinning feelings helped her go to sleep easily at night. “When I came back home from work I just went right to sleep,” she said, which was very different from her prior pattern of staying up late before managing to fall asleep.

As far as the performance anxiety, she hadn’t yet had any more auditions or solo performances, so we still didn’t have a real-world test of the work we’d done last session. Because of this, we focused on some other goals of hers. One thing she wanted was a solution to her headaches. She told me she sometimes got headaches that commonly lasted around three hours, making her feel numb, numbing her left hand, and causing her to temporarily lose vision in her left eye. I taught her the rewinding process to try for her headaches, telling her how much it had helped me with my Athsma-like condition that the doctors hadn’t been able to diagnose.

The fourth time I met with Maya was a week before a big audition for a local youth symphony. To test the previous work we had done, I asked her to close her eyes and imagine waking up on the morning of the audition. “Now just play through the day and find out how it goes.”

“It was like I was just practicing,” Maya said.

“Great. I know that you play beautifully when you practice, so if it can be like that, that sounds like a good thing to me.” To be thorough and find if there were any additional resources that would help her, I got even more specific, “Do you know where the audition will take place?”

“Yes.”

“Great, do you know the room?”

“Yes.”

“Great, now close your eyes and imagine going through this whole week, waking up on audition day and going to the place where it will be held and finding the room. Now, as you walk through the door, how does it feel?”

When she opened her eyes she said, “One fourth great, one fourth real, one fourth I don’t know, and one fourth get me out.”

We did Core Transformation with this remaining “get me out” fourth, and concluded the session.

When I met with Maya the fifth time, she was really excited to tell me what had happened the previous week: “Ok,” She said. “I have a lot to tell you. So when I went to my audition, first off I had the audition at 8:42, but I arrived at 8:00am. When I got there, my headache started, so I’m like, Seriously? Is this really happening right now? Anyway I did the rewinding thing you taught me, and it totally improved it, and the headache went away completely after about 45 minutes rather than the usual around 3 hours!”

“So anyway,” Maya continued, “not long after I did the rewinding I was called for my audition. For some reason they called me like 15 minutes earlier than my scheduled time! Normally I would have protested this, but I just went with it. Then on top of this unexpected timing, the judge was pretty grumpy, and I still had a little of the headache happening. Anyway, I finished the audition and only when I walked out did I realize: I had no teeth chattering, no sweating, no shaking at all! It was just so crazy. I didn’t expect it at all!”

We met a few more times after this, working on some other goals of hers. Since then I’ve tried to get long-term feedback on her experience with auditions and playing solo, but so far I haven’t heard back from her.

Tool of the Day:
Parts Integration (See the book Heart of the Mind for an in-depth version of this process):

When you find yourself wanting something that you don’t yet have (especially if it’s a bit extreme), often there will be another part that wants the opposite. For example: a part that wants to exercise all the time, and a part that wants to be lazy and lie around all day; a part that wants to eat all raw, organic, grass-fed, omega-3 foods, and a part that wants to pig out on Doritos, soda, and pizza hut; a part that wants to be polite and friendly, and a part that just wants to say screw you; a part that feels anxious, and a part that wants to be calm.
Notice where you feel each part, in your body or around you. Thank each of these parts for being here, because you can trust that they each have something positive they want for you.
Open your hands, palms upward, and invite one part to flow into one hand, and the other part to flow into the other hand. It doesn’t matter which part is in which hand, though each will tend to go to the hand that feels right for it.
Now start with one part and ask it, “What do you want?” Then relax, close your eyes, and notice what response comes back from that part. Thank it for this response, and ask it, “And when you get what you want, what does this get for me that’s even more important?” Thank it for this response, and continue this cycle until the part arrives at a value (such as happiness, peace, health, integrity) that is something you can agree on, and that the other part is likely to also agree is a good thing. (Hint: the longer you do this cycle, the more likely it will be that you arrive at a value that is also appreciated by yourself and the other part, so when in doubt, keep going.)
Repeat step 4 with the other part in the other hand.
Now invite each part to look over at the other part. Ask each part if it recognizes the value in what the other part is really wanting to get for you. If you have gone to a deep enough (or high enough) value, each part will recognize that the value of the other part is also a good thing, and not in conflict with it’s own value.
Say to the parts, “Now that you both see and recognize what each of you are really trying to get, and you both agree that both of these values are worth having, how would you like to work together in mutual support of achieving these values?
If the answer is “no,” first satisfy the objection, or look back at what might have been missed in a previous step. If the answer is “yes” (which it usually is), invite both of your hands to come together only as quickly as these two parts of yourself learn to work together in new ways—many of them unconscious to you—to achieve both values.
Once your hands come together, bring them into your body wherever feels right, usually the heart or chest area, so these cooperating parts can integrate back in with you.
Test back in the initial scenario and find out how it goes now, with the cooperating parts within you. If it goes well, great! If not, address any concerns or objections until it goes well.
Step into future situations, noticing what is changed for you now that these parts are working together in this new way.

Sign up for a session with Mark at www.markandreas.com or call 303-810-9611 for a free 15-minute consult.

Working with Youth

I’m finishing up writing an Amazon E-book about the two years I spent working as a trip leader for a wilderness therapy program for at risk youth. The E-book is composed of practical principles I learned or discovered in my time in the field with these teens, and plenty of stories to illustrate how I put the principles to use. Below is one of the stories/principles from the book. I hope you find it valuable with the youth in your life (and the adults too).

You can still join Mark Andreas this Saturday, March 14th, in Boulder Colorado for a 1-day Introduction to NLP Training.

Tale of the day:
If it ain’t fun, you ain’t doin’ it right!

When I started working for the Monarch Center for Family Healing, a wilderness therapy program for at risk youth, I soon discovered that “at risk,” meant teens who were alive, and their parents were worried. The kids were sent to us for many reasons—drugs, sex, anger, lying, breaking the law, gambling, stealing, running away, or sometimes just having neurotic parents. Parents had as many reasons for sending their kids as their kids had for not wanting to come. But basically, parents would send their teens to us when two things happened: their relationship with their son or daughter had deteriorated to a level where they no longer had any meaningful influence with them, and they felt their child was in some kind of danger, whether physical, psychological, or moral.

Once my boss Nick and I showed up at 5am at a teen’s home to wake her up and break the news that we were bringing her into our wilderness therapy program. Nita’s parents were worried that she might run away if they tried to take her themselves, so they requested what some of us unofficially referred to as a “kid-napping.” Nick parked outside the home, a large house in a wealthy suburb, and we got out in the early morning darkness and knocked on the door.

Nita’s parents showed Nick and I downstairs to their daughter’s room, then left us to wake her up. “Hey Nita,” Nick said. She sat up, pushing her dirty blonde hair out of her face. “Hi Nita, I’m Nick, and this is Mark. We’re here to bring you to a wilderness therapy program.”

“Oh no, seriously? Fo real? Yo, this’s gotta be a joke!” She was the whitest kid in the whitest town in Colorado, but she spoke like she was from the ‘hood. Later that day I spent 6 hours getting to know Nita as I drove her to meet up with the rest of the group in the Sand Dunes. She was into hip hop and break-dancing.

“Yo, this ain’t too unexpected,” she said on the drive.

“Well I’ve got a lot of time to answer your questions, so ask away.”

“Fo sho, fo sho,” she said, nodding her head.

Later on around the campfire I made up a rap in her honor, from one white brotha’ to his white sista.’ Between verses I beat-boxed catastrophically, and during verses I played some percussive chords on my co-instructor’s backpacker guitar to back up my rapping:

“Yo yo, yo! This is Nita’s rap! Fo-sho!
It was five in the morning I was rubbin’ my eyes,
When I woke up in my room there were two strange guys!
They told me they would take me to a place I would despise,
‘cause I was doin’ drugs, and also tellin’ lies!

It’s the Monarch Center for Family Healin’
Where we’re down with Contact and expressin’ feelin’
Forever through the rugged Rocky Mountains we will roam,
‘cause once you are among us you ain’t never goin’ home!
Awww nah… You ain’t never goin’ home!”

The kids all thought this was so hilarious (including Nita) that when I came back on shift 3-weeks later, they had taught the rap to the new kids.

Tool of the day:
How can I have fun here?

Most of the time out in the field, we were having fun. Kids like to have fun, and if you’re having fun, you’re not getting into (too much) trouble. If I gave you all the examples of the various ways we had fun, it would fill a book. The kids don’t even need to be having fun, as long as you’re having fun (never at their expense) in a way that invites them to join you if they choose. If they don’t choose to join you for the moment, you still have fun as a leader. Soon most of them will join you. People, both kids and adults, like having fun.

The ways we had fun were endless. In snow we built snow forts, in the summer we dammed the creek. Some kids got into building the most amazing latrines, complete with rocks for back-rest, seat, and arm rests. We held competitions for best creative adaptation of clothing, and fastest tent set-up. We played mind-games and riddles on the hikes, told ghost stories and jokes, and tried to give Jessie a dreadlock. We participated in the time-honored arts of “who can melt a quesadilla on a stick,” “who can hit that weird-looking tree with a rock,” and “who can blow on a coal until it gets completely red.”

So, whether you spend most of your time with youth, or with other adults, spend a week periodically asking yourself throughout the day, "How can I have fun here?" If you think you might forget to ask yourself this question, set a reminder on your phone every couple hours: Note to self, How can I have fun here? Let me know what happens.

Join Mark Andreas this Saturday, March 14th, in Boulder Colorado for a 1-day Introduction to NLP Training.

Effective Communication and Ethical Influence

Tale of the day:
Being raised by NLPeople

Over the years, many people have asked me, “What was it like growing up with your parents using NLP on you all the time?”

To which I like to respond, smiling, “How would you feel if your parents NLpeed on you your entire childhood?”

Then I point out that there is a big difference between using NLP on someone and using NLP with someone. Just think about the presuppositions (assumptions) of each statement:

“I use NLP on someone” presupposes that I am the actor using NLP on a passive person who is the object of my choosing. Whether used for good or bad, it is manipulative. There is separateness and disconnection from the other person, with no attention given to how the other person might experience the interaction. The assumption is either that they are powerless to help themselves, that I know what they want better than they do, or that I’m going to manipulate them into doing something that goes against what they want, or some combination of these. From a metaphorical standpoint, I have to be above someone to use something on them. So I’ll be looking down on them, and they will likely feel the burden/impact of the tool I’m thrusting upon them from on high. The image that comes to my mind is a stone-worker chiseling away at a figurine until it looks the way he wants it.

“I use NLP with someone” presupposes that we are both benefitting from NLP together. It can only be used for good; it is cooperative. There is togetherness and connection with the other person, with equal attention given to how I and the other person each experience the interaction. The assumption is that both of us have the ability to help ourselves, that I’m using my tools to support us both discovering what we each want, and in service of us both getting more out of the relationship than either of us would have discovered alone. From a metaphorical standpoint, I have to be on the same level as someone to use something with them. It will be much more likely that we see eye to eye, and there is room for the give and take of feedback. The image that comes to my mind is of a dance between two people, or two people walking side-by-side.

So after my humorous response to people about being NLpeed on as a kid, I tell them that my experience growing up was that my parents used NLP with me and my brothers. They used NLP communication tools to support us in gaining clarity and connection with what we wanted, and to support them in communicating clearly with us about their needs and boundaries. The goal was always about finding solutions that worked well for everyone in the family.

As young kids my parents often asked us, “Mark, Loren, Darian, would you like to go to bed now, or in five minutes?” Of course we responded with “five minutes, five minutes!” But our parents weren’t using this clever presuppositional form to manipulate us into going to bed against our will. On the contrary, they were using NLP with us. They were acknowledging and honoring our ability to act and choose to a degree that was appropriate to our age. They were also front-loading the idea that it was almost time to sleep, so we could start preparing ourselves internally for that stage of the day—an essential need of every human being, both parents and kids.

Could we have said “no” to the five minutes question? Of course, but why say no to something that is done with us, and for us?

So if you find that an NLP tool isn’t working, one thing to check is, “Have I been trying to use NLP on people? Or am I using these tools with people?”

Learn more about using NLP with yourself and others in this 1-day Introduction to NLP with Mark Andreas, Saturday March 14^th, in Boulder Colorado.

And here is a half-hour mini intro to NLP: a recent podcast interview with Mark Andreas on the Upgraded Ape show called “What is NLP?”

Tool of the day:
Using with

First, change your language. Instead of “I want to use NLP on them,” or “I’m going to talk to them,” or “I was really laughing at them,” see what happens when you change to using with: “I want to use NLP with them,” “I’m going to talk with them,” “I could try out laughing with them,” etc.
Notice how your own internal experience changes when you change to using with. For me with is an experience of being on the same level as the other person, with eye contact, give and take, stepping into the others’ shoes, working together side-by-side, going in the same direction, and cooperation.
The next time you want to be more with someone, make the specific internal changes you noticed above. So for me, I picture me and the other person both at the same level and making eye contact, (even if we’re different actual heights, or about to have a conversation over the phone where I can’t actually see the other person). I picture us both together, with space between us for give and take, like a flow of energy that for me represents feedback flowing back and forth between us. I’m also aware that I can step into the other person’s perspective at any time, seeing from their point of view. Just as you make these internal changes, you can also make specific external changes that match the with experience. If I’m talking to a child, I like to croutch down so I’m literally at eye level with them. If I’m sitting with someone, I like to position my chair by their side, so I can literally be on their side (rather than in a face off). While making these internal and external changes, my main focus is to notice what commonalities we both have, so that we can work together on those going forward.

Learn more about using NLP with yourself and others in this 1-day Introduction to NLP with Mark Andreas, Saturday March 14^th, in Boulder Colorado.

Andrew T. Austin's Metaphors of Movement

The above video is just a very small sample of the full Metaphors of Movement process.

Tale of the day:
Awakening through Metaphor

Last September I gave an interactive presentation for the American Council of Hypnotist Examiners' International Hypnotherapy Conference. I presented Andrew T. Austin's Metaphors of Movement process, exploring group metaphors and sharing examples of client metaphors from my private practice. The material was very well received, and we had a lot of fun. A few days later, I heard back from one of my clients whose metaphor I shared at the conference. She told me that after our single metaphor session, she experienced "a real awakening." A few days ago I spoke with her again (three months after the metaphors session we did together), and she was just as emphatic about how huge this change has been for her, and how she feels like "a whole new person." The video below is taken from the presentation I gave at the conference, and gives a glimpse into the Metaphors of Movement process. Be sure to watch until the end of the video to see my client's post-session follow-up, in her own words.

Join us in Boulder, April 17-20, 2015, for Andy Austin’s live 4-day Metaphors of Movement training.

You can set up a metaphor session with Mark Andreas here.

Tool of the day:
Keys to your Inner Experience

I shared this tool a couple months ago. Whether or not you already had a chance to explore it then, I invite you to explore it now, having just learned from the live examples and demonstrations in the video above!

1) Notice a metaphor you use automatically, such as “I’m stuck in a rut,” “I’m banging my head against a brick wall,” “I’m in the pit of despair,” “I’m treading water,” etc. OR, think of a place where you feel stuck or blocked and ask yourself, “This whole thing, the whole big mess, what is it like?”

2) Notice more of the metaphor, what’s left, right, front, back, up, down. (What are you standing on? What kind of wall are you banging your head against? Etc.). Notice whether this already starts to make some things clear to you in a new way.

3) Get in brainstorm mode and repeat back literally what you see in the metaphor, paying special attention to common idioms that arise (such as “going with the flow” “grounded” “taking steps” etc.

4) Now you have a more detailed metaphorical experience of where you are beginning. If we want to get somewhere different, we first need to know where we are beginning, and we don’t all start at the same place. Notice how you’ve chosen to position yourself in the metaphor. Now that you think about it, how else might you position yourself? What is the first step you might take, or not take? What is the direction you want to go? Don’t change the metaphor.

You can set up a metaphor session with Mark Andreas here.