You Don’t Deserve Love (and how knowing this will improve your life)

Tale of the Day: Deserving

Jan was sad over the loss of her long-time friendship with Hannah. Hannah was still pleasant to Jan, but after a period of being much less available, Jan asked Hannah what was up. Hannah explained that while she valued their friendship, she no longer had the time to spend with Jan in the deeply connected way they had been there for each other over the last twenty years.

This felt like a betrayal to Jan, almost as if Hannah had been manipulating her all along and now she was dropping Jan after two decades. In a pleading voicetone, Jan told me there was a part of her that really wanted to be loved, cared about, valued, enjoyed, liked, appreciated, adored, cherished... These verbs just kept on coming, so I could tell that this part of Jan felt an extreme lack of all these things, as well as a great need for them.

I began guiding Jan through the Core Transformation process and invited her to ask this part of her to step into what it would be like to have what it wanted: to be loved, cared about, valued, enjoyed, liked, appreciated, adored, cherished...

Jan started to relax, but then she said, "There's another part of me saying, 'You don't deserve this.' I feel it here in my left shoulder." She gestured with her hand.

When we do Core Transformation (CT), and an objection emerges like this, this shows us there are two parts involved, and we do the CT Process with both of them.  Each has something of value to offer.

After completing CT with the first part, I turned to the second:

"Now notice this part of you that says, 'You don't deserve this.' Notice where you feel this part of you in your left shoulder. You can thank this part for being here, because you can trust it wants something positive in saying 'You don't deserve this.' Now ask this part of you, 'What do you want?'"

The CT process guides us in discovering deeper and deeper layers of what each part wants, until we get to something that can often be quite profound. In this case the part wanted “OKness.” In one sense OKness may seem at first to be quite ordinary, yet I could see Jan’s state shift to something much more at peace as this part began to get in touch with “OKness.”

The next step with CT is to turn things around and ask the part if it would like to go ahead and just step into having OKness as a beginning, in an ongoing way. Since the part liked this idea, we continued with the process by inviting the part to notice how already having OKness as a way of being naturally enriched or transformed each of the previous things the part had wanted.

When we finished the process Jan said, “It feels really great now, but there’s still this little voice threatening to say, 'You don’t deserve it.' [Note: I could have continued using CT with this “little voice” as a third part, but this time I took a different tack]

“Oh, well I agree," I said right away. "You don’t deserve it.”

Jan laughed, but when I didn’t say anything more she looked at me, realizing I was serious. She became more thoughtful.

“So thank this part of you for recognizing that you don’t deserve it," I suggested, "And you can ask this part, 'Now that you think about it, how does not deserving it actually not matter?'”

“Wow," she said, "That’s like a Zen Koan." Her face relaxed and I could see she was in a deep internal state of processing. “Wow,” she added, “I don’t think I’ll need to see you for several months after this, this is going to be with me for a while.”

I smiled. “It’s like, here we are,” I gestured to our seats. “Do we deserve it? No. Does that Matter? No.”

Jan shook her head in wonderment, “Just take it off the table.”

“I don’t deserve the life I’ve had,” I said, “but I still enjoy it.”

She said, “You know that’s interesting, because all the positive affirmations are about deserving, ‘You deserve love’ ‘You deserve enjoyment,’ ‘You deserve appreciation…’”

“Yep. It turns out you don’t deserve any of those things!”

“This is what your next book should be called.”

“What’s that?”

“Oh, well, something like, ‘You don’t deserve love.’” She grinned.

“Oooh, I like that. I’m going to write that down. If not a book, I’ll at least write a blog post.”

When I checked in with Jan six weeks later, she wrote me:

Mark, when you said to me, "Yeah. That's right. You don't deserve it." That was the "show stopper" for me. And you went on to say, "I feel I have a happy life, but I don't deserve it; I just have it. If I ‘deserved’ my happiness, that would mean someone else ‘deserved’ their unhappiness."

So, ‘deserving’ is irrelevant. It's not about deserving love or happiness. Happiness/love just is. (From earliest babyhood, of all the "good" things in the world, love is held up as the greatest reward. If you do what Mom/Dad want they will love you. Love is always paired with deserving it. So how radical to separate love from deserving it. Again, love just is.) That's it.

I also understood you to be asking me what may have followed in my life after this session. I have found it really useful to consider the question. And I wish I could give you specifics of how this "reframing" has impacted my life. I can't pinpoint it exactly because it was part of a mosaic of healing experiences over about 6 wks. which seemed to lead to a profound shift for me around my codependency--and in particular what I would call my codependency with Hannah. Literally all that pain and grief has been lifted!!!!!  (And I recently spent a very enjoyable evening with her! I would still like more opportunities to connect with her--no change there--but somehow there is no pain about it!??!! Who'da thunk?!) I'm 180 degrees from where I have been… And I have been experiencing a lot of equanimity for some weeks now…And, I do know 100% that that whole session with you was profoundly impactful.

So, I'm in awe of the healing process. And I'm so grateful for your working with me, Mark.

 

Tool of the day: Negative affirmations

If you have one minute, you can do this right now. Choose three qualities you would like more of in your life, or three needs you have that you would like others to fulfill. For example, “Three qualities I want more of/needs I want fulfilled are joy, relaxation, connection with others.”

Then relax, close your eyes, and repeat to yourself in a voice that is compassionate, matter of fact, or perhaps with a hint of a knowing smile: “I don’t deserve joy...” “I don’t deserve relaxation…” “I don’t deserve connection with others…” As you say this, you can appreciate how important these three things are that you sometimes get to experience despite not deserving them. Try this out for yourself now before reading on. 

Now that you have your own experience as a reference point, I want to share my experience with you. When I say to myself, “I deserve Joy,” or “I deserve connection” there is an implicit “should” in there. If I deserve it, I should be getting it. So if I’m not getting joy and I talk to myself in a way that presupposes that I should be getting it, this is a recipe for feeling unhappiness—I should be feeling joy, but I’m not. Also, if I'm already experiencing joy, it's just as pointless to say, "I deserve joy," which only serves to separate me from enjoying it. 

In contrast, when I say to myself in a neutral or matter-of-fact or compassionate voice tone, “I don’t deserve joy.” I am able to experience all the joyful parts of my life with huge gratitude for this undeserved gift. And for all the non-joyful parts of my life, there is no mismatch between what “should” be and what is.

The trick to making negative affirmations work is ensuring the voice tone is truly neutral or positive. If you get a negative result from a negative affirmation, it’s likely due to the voice tone you were using. To help with this, after each negative affirmation, include a negative affirmation about the opposite of the quality you chose. For example:

"I don’t deserve joy…” “I don’t deserve non-joy.”
"I don’t deserve relaxation…” “I don’t deserve non-relaxation.”
"I don’t deserve connection with others…” “I don’t deserve not connecting with others.”

Another thing that can help negative affirmations work for you is to explore shifting which words have the emphasis. For example, try out the difference between, "I don't deserve joy," and "I don't deserve joy." For me the first emphasis is more common, and so it is how I would first read the sentence off a page. But the second emphasis creates a strong implication that I'm experiencing joy even if I don't deserve it. The beauty of implication is that it doesn't come right out and say that I am experiencing joy, so there is nothing in the implication that will mis-match my experience, even if I'm having the worst day in my life.

Try this out, and let me know what you find. Are there variations in emphasis or voice tone that work particularly well for you?


To book a private session with Mark over Skype or in person, visit www.markandreas.com

"Little Voices"

Tale of the Day:
Befriending Critical Internal Voices

Lucy was working on a manuscript and wanted to become more comfortable in her writing. She wanted to improve her ability to let the information flow easily into type when she sat down to write, instead of having it feel like she was “pulling teeth." She wanted to enjoy the process of writing and feel good about her work.

When I asked her more about her present experience she said, “I get stuck in old patterns of ‘writer’s block.’ I feel that I have all of the information in my head, but when I go to write it down ‘little voices’ often mess me up, and I am not able to get what is clear in my head down on paper because I get so caught in logistics.”

Lucy made this easy for me by literally telling me of the ‘little voices’ that messed her up. It was clear to me that working with these voices would be the perfect opportunity to get her what she wanted.

“So when you sit down to write, and you’re there typing, what do these voices say to you exactly?”

“They say, ‘It’s not good enough,’ and, ‘This information isn’t valid and won’t be useful to people.’

“Do you recognize these voices from someone or somewhere? Has anyone spoken to you like that before?”

“Yes, my mother and an editor who read my manuscript once.”

“OK, great. Let’s go ahead and fill in the different situations where these people said these things to you, so we get a sense of where they were coming from, limited by their own circumstances and incomplete knowledge.”

We explored the editor first, finding out more about where she’d been coming from in what she’d said to Lucy. With this added information we found that the editor had been doing what she thought was her job – critiquing the manuscript without holding back, in order to improve it. We found the positive purpose of the editor’s harsh words, and Lucy realized she had given her manuscript over before it was really ready for that stage of scrutiny.

“But what the editor said, it was like it just added to the voice of my mother that I’ve had since I was a little girl.”

We did the same thing and filled in the details of different times that her mother had said these kinds of things to her.

“Well, I was a pretty precocious little girl, and I’d sometimes get in a bit of trouble because of it. I was a bit of a free spirit, and that didn’t always fit with the world around me.”

I said, “Now that you remember these circumstances, what do you think your mother’s positive intent was behind saying what she did?”

“She wanted to protect me from taking risks. She wanted me to be normal and not rock the boat. She wanted me to fit in so life would be easier.”

“Great, so she wanted to protect you and make life easier for you?”

“Yeah, I think she was a little jealous of me too. She had a bunch of kids at an early age, and because of this she didn’t get to do some of the things she had wanted to do, like travel the world. She had to work hard to provide for us, so I think she was a little jealous of my free-spiritedness.”

“Interesting, so now you know that when your mother said things like, ‘You’re not good enough.’ and, ‘This isn’t valid and won’t be useful to people.’ She really wanted to protect you and make life easier for you, and she also actually wished she could have done some of the kinds of things you were doing.”

“Yeah.”

“Go ahead and thank your mother’s voice for looking out for you, in the best way it knew how. Ask this voice if it would like to use words and a tone of voice that you would enjoy listening to, so that it can do a really good job at getting across its positive message to you of making sure you are protected, and that life goes as easy as it can.”

“Yeah, that sounds good.”

“So just notice what this voice would like to say to support you now. It might use the voice tone of a trusted friend, or it might be a combination of the voice tones of various supportive people.”

“There are multiple voices, like before, but now they’re saying, ‘We’ll protect you through the process, and let it flow as long as you are protected.”

“And what is the voice tone like?”

“It’s really nice to listen too, relaxing.”

“Great, it sounds like these voices will help you know when to give a manuscript to someone for feedback and when it’s not ready for that stage. And you’ll know when it’s time for you to just let the words flow, and when it’s time for you to go back through what you’ve written and do all the fine-tuning.”

“Yeah.”

“Now imagine the next time you sit down to write, noticing what it’s like with all these supportive voices to help you.”

“It’s like I’m in the flow.” She gestured as if her hand were following the gentle falls and pools of a creek. “They’re saying, ‘We’ll help you find the path.’”

Go ahead and imagine all the different times you’ll sit down to write over the next weeks and months, and what it’s like each time with these voices naturally there to support you.

“It’s great!” Lucy kept making the flowing motion with her hand. Her face had more color in it, and her whole body looked relaxed into the new experience.

A month later Lucy said she got what she wanted. When she sat down to write she felt relaxed and confident and was able to let the writing flow.

Tool of the Day:
Clarifying Internal Voices

The following tool is from the up-coming book “More Transforming Negative Self Talk” by Steve Andreas, released Oct. 6th. and available for pre-order on Amazon.com.

1. Select voice “Remember a troublesome internal voice that has criticized your behavior in the present moment, reminded you of past failures or embarrassments, or foretold future failure, etc.”

2. Listen to the voice “Now listen carefully to the sound of this voice—the tonality, volume, tempo, hesitations, etc. that you hear—all the qualities that allow you to recognize someone’s voice on the phone instantly, out of all the thousands of voices you have heard.”

3. Identify voice “Whose voice is this? Is it your voice or someone else’s?” If it is someone else’s voice, go directly to step 4, below. If it is your own voice ask, “Who did you learn from to talk in this way?” If you can’t identify the voice, ask, “If you did know, who would it be?” or “Who does this voice remind you of?”

4. Add image of person “As you hear this voice, see the person who is speaking to you, and watch all their facial movements, expressions, gestures, etc., to find out what else you can learn about their experience as they talk to you.”

5. Larger context “Now expand the scope of what you see and hear to include the larger context in both space and time. Where are you, and what just happened that this person is responding to? View this event in detail, including what happened earlier that was relevant to this event, and also what happened later as a result, in order to understand it more fully and completely.”

6. Notice speaker’s limitations “Notice what that person was simply unable to do because of their upbringing, beliefs, frustrations, or other inadequacies or limitations. Realize that both what they said, and how they said it, may have had very little to do with you, and a great deal to do with their difficulty in communicating clearly and directly.”

7. Clarify message “Would you please clarify your message? What would you say to me if you had been able to express yourself fully, and talk honestly about all your experience of this situation? What is it that you really want me to hear?”

8. Give thanks for any clarification “Thank you for clarifying your communication.” If the communication is still unclear, ask again—as many times as necessary, thanking them for each response—until their communication is clear to you.

9. Ask for the positive intent “What is your positive intent in telling me this?” If the response doesn’t appear to be positive, ask for the intent of this intent. “Thank you; what is your positive intent in telling me that?” You may need to ask several times before you receive an answer that you think is positive, and that you can agree with. Usually the positive intent is some kind of protection, either for you, the voice, a third person, or a group.

10. Give sincere thanks for the positive intent “Thanks very much for telling me your positive intent.” Then ask, “Would you be willing to consider communicating in a different way, so that it would be much easier for me to pay full attention to what it is that you want me to hear?” Usually you will get a “Yes” answer, because this proposed change supports the positive intent in communicating with you even better than what it had been doing. If you get a “No” answer, that means that there has been some miscommunication. Back up one or more steps and clarify the miscommunication before moving forward again.

For additional steps and refinements to this process, see Steve’s up-coming book “More Transforming Negative Self Talk,” released Oct. 6th.

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